Don't Mess With Seniors!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.


'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more than once!

Who Needs A Mid-Life Crises

After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a hot, 21-year-old gal.



"Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

The Bathtub Test:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

' 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup.

'No' said the Director, 'A normal per son would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

Deaf Mafia Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard

in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Home Security

VERY Important!
Home Security

I hired a guard that patrols the area for door to door salespeople, certain religious groups, and beggars. I'm sending you a picture of her so you will know her when you come to visit. Click on the guard below OR COPY and PASTE

Guard: http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf

Dusty Underwear

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker... 'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.'

And only $7!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sex.

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sex advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has sex with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I GET $43 BACK FROM MEDICARE.